Television stars are, if anything, a hearty stock. Unlike their big screen counterparts, they generally do more work for less money, and, of course, are routinely looked down at by everyone from movie stars to non-union gaffers.
But even the most menial role on Friends is a cakewalk compared to the life of a talk show host. They have to turn out hundreds of hours of programming a year, wading through clueless guests and lame monologues day in and day out.
With all of this pressure, it's no wonder David Letterman needed a quintuple bypass operation. And while we're all glad that Dave has been back on his feet for the past year or so, there's another, darker, side to his story.
Axiom has consulted with a panel of top medical experts to bring you an analysis of Dave's condition. Let's be frank--the prognosis is grim. Take a peek at these before and after photos, showing pre-operation Dave and Dave today.
Not a pretty picture, is it? Dave's gone from virile funnyman to a walking shrunken head. Let's hear from our panel of experts.
 Dr. Nick Riviera:
Hi everybody, I'm Doctor Nick! Dave's not doing too good. From the looks of him, I'd have to diagnose a case of leprosy. He can, however, get the best care possible at my offshore leper colony, conveniently located in the West Indies.
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 Dr: Hibbert:
I'd have to disagree with my esteemed colleague. With a heart condition like Dave's, combined with the annoying antics of Paul Sheaffer, I don't think he's got more than six months to live.
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 Dr. Drake Ramore:
The very same thing happened to my uncle Vinny, poor bastard. One day he was a hit with the ladies, all "Hey, how you doin'?" and stuff, and then it hit him. He was never the same after that. Six weeks later, he took the big dirt nap.
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 Dr. Theopolis:
Well, in the 25th century, we've all but wiped out heart disease, thanks to healthy eating and exercise. But, in consultation with history expert Hieronymus Fox, I can safely pinpoint November 21st, 2002 as the date Mr. Letterman's heart will give out.
There you have it, kids. We'll check back in with our medical experts periodically to size up Dave's condition and open the floor to further betting.
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